BOMBED IT

i had a presentation today in my psychological test and measurements class.  i was to present and discuss assessments used to measure the risk of suicide.  it was awful!  definitely bomed it!

hands down, this was the biggest homework week of the semester for me.  my presentation was the last big assignment due this week.  in other words, it got the least effort.  oh well.  life goes on.  just wish i could’ve done better on that presentation because that professor is one of my fav’s.

what’s faith?

“when they came to the crowd, a man approached jesus and knelt before him.  ‘lord, have mercy on my son,’ he said.  ‘he has seizures and is suffering greatly.  he often falls into the fire or into the water.  i brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him.’

 ”‘o unbelieving and perverse generation,’ jesus replied, ‘how long shall i stay with you?  how long shall i put up with you? bring the boy here to me.’  jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment.

“then the disciples came to jesus in private and asked, ‘why couldn’t we drive it out?’

“he replied, ‘because you have so little faith.  i tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard see, you can say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there’ and it will move.  nothing will be impossible for you.’”

matthew 17:14 - 23 (niv)

this passage seriously confuses me.  i’ll make my question with it short and simple.  why does jesus tell the disciples that they need more faith?  from this passage i believe it’s fair to come to the conclusion that the disciples attempted to cast out the demon but were unable to do so.  the only answer i can come up with to my question is that action doesn’t always equate faith.  hopefully that’s not too heretical, but i, like the disciples, am struggling with that concept.

i find myself asking a similar question in a different circumstance as the disciples.

i will have been in college for four and a half years come graduation this december.  although i have been anything but perfect over the past four years, i feel as though i’ve grown and matured greatly in my understanding about life in general (which i still know very little about).  graduation is rapidly approaching.  i’ve been trying to find a job.  i’ve been job searching for a little bit of time, not too extensive to be honest.  but i’ve been on the prowl over the past three to four weeks.  nothing so far.  nothing.  “god why am i unable to find a job?  i honestly desire your will for my life.  i’m being proactive in my job search.  god, i feel as though i’m doing all i can.  why am i not able to find a job?”

all i hear him saying back to me is, “why don’t you have faith?” 

“but god i do.  i’m sending out e-mails, resumes, and making phone calls daily.  why isn’t anything going my way?”

“have faith”

“i do, but you just don’t understand.  why are no opportunities knocking on my doorstep?  i want to do your will.  what’s going on here.”

“have faith”

i feel like one of the disciples.  “jesus, we tried to cast it out.  we did.  why weren’t we able to?”

jesus responds, “because you had so little faith.”

it has only been through my conversations with friends that i’ve begun to understand what i’ve been lacking, faith.  do i honestly…i mean do i honestly believe that god will provide for me?  do i truly, deeply, in the depths of my being trust that god’s promise to give me enough, is for real?  the quick,easy, and automatic church response i come back with is, “well of course i do.”

i’ve grown recently in my understanding of faith.  if i were my friend i’d be telling myself that i should just trust god and have faith that he’ll provide for me.  the problem is right now i’m not my friend.  it’s so easy to talk about how great god is and how wonderful his promises are.  it’s a lot more difficult to believe them.  i have no clue where god wants me to be in the next couple of months in my life.  granted, my circumstances aren’t as extreme as they could be.  i do have a home to go back to if thats what i end up needing to do.  i will have food on the table.  but in the past couple of weeks i’ve begun to understand, a little bit better, what faith is. 

“now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” hebrews 11:1

i’ve moved into a place where i am sure and certain that god will direct me into knowledge of his will.  there’s a great peace coupled with that understanding.  i don’t know where i’ll be in a couple of months.  i don’t know what i’ll be doing.  but one thing i do know is that god will be guiding me into his will, whatever that may be.  i’ll be moving mountains.  well, more like god will be moving mountains.  i’m just sure and certain he will.

it’s 2:00 am.  the writing may have been poor.  but this blog can be attached to the “2 weeks” below.  these are the thoughts i’ve been having over the past couple of weeks.

2 weeks

i haven’t been on here for quite some time due to my lack of internet access.  i was in florida for a week for the national tournmanet for soccer.  then the day we got back from the tournament it was time to depart for thanksgiving break.  i haven’t been in class for nearly 2 weeks.  i have much catching up to do.  however, instead of getting to my work i thought i’d write a little bit about the past two weeks of my life.   they were pretty eventful.

SOCCER. first and foremost i have to talk about the soccer tournament.  it was amazing!  it was a great way to end one’s athletic career.  we ended up finishing 3rd in the tournament after losing in the semi-finals and then winning our consolation match.  i sprained my ankle pretty bad in the second overtime period of our semi-final match.  it was unfortunate to end the tournament, season, and my career like that.  but just going to the national tournament was a terrific experience.

it was also nice to have a week off of school and hang out with some of my best friends in florida.  i may have had the sweetest room of guys to stay with at the hotel.  we had a blast not caring about school for that week.  although, it’s catching up to me now .  there are way too many memories to recall in a single blog.  the car ride back from that late night throwing bodies over seats in the van may be one of my favorites.  coach’s son throwin’ some salt at lesmes had to have been a highlight.  hopping across a major street to go to 7-11 at midnight was an adventure.  a great personal talk with isaac at friendlys was a moment for the memory banks.  god has truly blessed me with the privelege of being on the soccer team here at mvnu.  ending that blessing with another blessing to make it to the national tournament was just the grand finale to a great epxerience.

 THANKSGIVING.  so it was time to meet hannah’s (the girlfriend’s) family.  she has 8 siblings!!!!  that means that there are eleven, count them 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 people in her immediate family.  on top of that i was meeting them on one of the biggest “family-get-together” holidays of the year.  there were nearly 30 family members there for the big day. 

for all of you that know me, doesn’t that sound like the type of environment that i thrive in?  yeah, i didn’t think so either.  it was a blast though.  with so many people it was relatively difficult to go completely unnoticed, especially since i was the only person there that nobody knew.  meeting the family for the first time is usually a pretty intimidating position to be in.  i was pretty intimidated and possibly “awkward” at times.  but it was overall a fun weekend.  it was really laid back and relaxing which was exactly what i was hoping for.  so overall i’d say the weekend was a success.

 i have so much more to type but i’m so tired.  hopefully i’ll be able to catch up tomorrow.

will

i’m so nervous about graduating.  i haven’t found a job yet.  god provides.  sometimes i just wish i knew how.  maybe i’ll go move back home and try and start 100 churches in a year (kidding, that’s the worst idea ever ahahaha….erwin joke to some friends, sorry if you don’t get it). 

just pray that god will reveal knowledge of his will to me.  i don’t know what it will look like.  i just know i want to be in the midst of it.

_______

lord i’m amazed by you.  words cannot describe it.  i’m simply amazed.

tunneled

 two recent events in my life suddenly collided last night.  the first was the death of a friends grandfather.  the second actually occurred last night.  i attended a local high school’s play on the “diary of anne frank.” 

my friends grandfather was a military man.  he served our armed forces for many, many years.  he earned two purple hearts and several other accolades in his time of service.  he fought on d-day in world war II. 

anne frank was a young jewish girl who was killed during world war II.  she kept a journal of her and her family’s hiding.  her journal was later published and has become a mandatory reading in many high schools today.  after the play was over the school had invited an actual holocaust survivor to tell his story to the students and audience. 

there is so much hurt going on in our world.  it may not be quite as tragic as the holocaust but their are tragedies that rival the sadness of that event.  people are dying of hunger.  aids is an epidemic in certain parts of the world.  children are being sold and used as sex slaves.  there are tragedies going on in our world every single day.  yet i can list some of the evils that exist in our world and feel completely distant from them all.  isn’t that messed up?  anne frank’s story has allowed me to relate to suffering in a personal way.  her story was a reminder that each of the millions of people living in extreme poverty today is a person.  i find it so easy to recognize statistics as numbers, but the reporting of people who suffer as a statistic has often made them a number in my head. 

my friends grandfather fought at d-day.  he fought for the cause that liberated people from living under the oppression of hitler’s nazi regime.  he fought, maybe not directly for but certainly indirectly, for the injustices that anne frank and the holocaust survivor experienced during world war II.  i hope that as i continue to grow and mature that my willingness and passion to fight for justice and goodness grows also. 

i feel as though at times my vision is so tunneled.  i can so easily be consumed by what’s going on at my school, how my sports teams are doing, or maybe even political races.  it isn’t that any of those things are inherently bad on their own, but i desire to have a global vision, a kingdom vision.  i want to have a vision of god’s kingdom, which includes…well everyone and everything.  i don’t want to be limited in my vision to that which surrounds me.  i want to see the world globally, as god does.  i want tragedies to break my heart.  i want so desperately to begin to be involved with combating the evils that exist in our world.  i don’t want to hear statistics and think of a number.  i want to recognize that each person suffering is an anne frank, an individual, a unique and loved child of god. 

LA sports = sadness

usc has two losses on the season.  it’s the first time i’ve really felt betrayed by the bcs.  it’s pretty much impossible for usc to make it to a major bowl game now.  it’s unfortunate that i now have to wait an entire year for another shot at a national championship. 

the dodgers signed joe torre.  yes!  finally a credible manager.  maybe a-rod is next?  i can only dream that we’d sign a power hitter.  i can’t remember our last big bat in the line-up.  this is the only team giving me any sort of joy right now.  they’re an exception to the sadness.

the lakers are trading kobe.  my heart is absolutely crushed by this thought.  even though the lakers are an average team, kobe bryant IS the best player in the nba.  he makes everyone feel like there’s hope on the horizon.  he better not get traded.

the ducks (they’re in anaheim but i hate the kings…and if the angeles can be los angeles i can include the ducks in my LA sports list) need to turn things around.  they went from stanley cup champs to a losing record. 

man i don’t know where my life would be without sports.

loved first

having been raised in the church i’ve heard several messages multiple times.  between the christian schools, church, and a christian home i’ve heard lessons that seemed to repeat each other throughout my life.  sometimes they just go right over my head and other times they seem to finally click.  maybe i didn’t understand it the first 10, 40, 3462576247457 times but eventually god seems to make them clearer to me.  today one of these “messages,” i like to acknowledge it more as reality or truth, hit home hard.  here’s the truth that struck me today: ”god pursues me out of his love for me.” (side note: i use the word me so that anyone reading it can own the statement.  i believe god doesn’t just pursue me or individuals.  he pursues community. so at any point feel free to substitute the “me” as an “us.”)

“god pursues me? me? god pursues me!  why?”  i’m so baffled trying to understand this concept.  i question it.  i own it.  i question it.  i own it.  it doesn’t make sense!  i don’t think it ever will.  so many religions are in pursuit of god.  they’re in purusit of what it means to live the “good life.”  but the one, true, living god is in pursuit of me.  he’s offering me the good life.  it makes no sense!  i’m still trying to wrap my mind around this idea that god pursues me.

this concept has muddled up my understanding of what it means to love god.  i feel as though my entire life i’ve been taught that we are supposed to inititate the pursuit of god.  that god has a free gift, and he wants to give it to me. all i have to do is take it.  isn’t that what we teach?  i have this mental picture of what that looks like: i envision driving a car down the street.  i have a map out.  i’m trying to find god.  if i can only read this map; i’ll find god.  christianity has become the lens through which i interpret this map.  it helps ME puruse god.  it helps ME find god.

that understanding is so messed up.  yes, god has a free gift to offer through jesus.  yes, it’s freely given.  but i didn’t find god.  he found me!  god pursued me in love first.  god loved me first.  god loved first.  he loved first.  i can’t stop saying it because it makes such little sense to me.  i feel as though if i repeat that statement that it will begin to make more sense.  but it doesn’t.  i didn’t have a map.  i was lost, and my god found me.  i didn’t initiatue anything between god and i.  my life is nothing but a response to god’s purusit of me.

does it make sense to anyone that god is crazy in love with me or you?  because he is! and he’s pursuing me and you today.  i don’t think i’ll ever get it.  but he is.  i want to begin to own that fact and live my life in response to his pursuing me in love.