walks, stars, and bridges

the past few days i’ve woken up in the morning to sub-30 degree weather.  ohio is wonderful!  the temperature also drops near freezing in the evenings.  i’m a californian for those of you who don’t know.  when i say i’m a californian, i don’t just mean that i’m from california.  i mean i’m a CALIFORNIAN.  i love 70 degree weather year around.  i like being able to choose between pants, shorts, sweatshirt, t-shirt, long sleeve, shrot sleeve, sweater, sweater vest (don’t ask), shoes, sandals without having to worry about being too hot or too cold because the weather is accomdating for any of the above.  i thoroughly enjoy wearing winter clothes purely for fahsionalbe purposes versus wearing them because i could potentially die from cold weather if i walk outside without them.  i like rain in short periods.  who wants it to literally rain all day?  i haven’t been too californian lately.

you ever find something that makes you act a little out of ordinary?  i’ve found myself star gazing, walking outside, and standing on bridges the past couple of weeks in some light rain and freezing cold weather.  why?  doesn’t quiet make sense.  but who cares!  i’ve heard the calm and peaceful sound of a stream, saw a shooting star, walked through a field of corn, and saw a red eye staring at me from the woods.  all fun memories.  who knows what next week will be like.  if there are no more walks, stars, or bridges that’s ok.  ohio is a strange and intriguing place.  i’m glad i got to experience it in a different light the past couple of weeks though.  it’s always nice to be able to get outside of one’s “normal” self and experience something new.  thanks for the gift.

chris

so over time i’ve learned how important it is to have good friends of the same sex.  earlier today my friend chris (hey chris if you’re reading) called me, and we just talked for maybe 30 minutes or so about life.  i told him that i missed his friendship.  being 2500 miles away and existing in different time zones can sometimes be a hindrance to conversation time.  chris might become really embarassed about this blog, but i’m going to brag about him for a little bit because….well just because i can.  afterall, this is my blog.

i look up to chris.  it’s almost ridiculous how much i love that guy.  through my friendship with him i’ve been challenged in so so so many different ways.  but what makes me appreciate my friendship with chris the most is his passion for god.  he has always encouraged me in my faith.  he’s given me insights about life that i’ve never thought about on my own.  he’s prayed for me.  he’s listened.  chris has modeled to me what jesus looks like on several different levels.  i’m beginning to understand the importance of having friends like chris, the importance of having friends that are deeply in love with god.  so chris, thanks man! i miss you and love you!  

i and thou

how is it that i relate to god?  is my “relationship” with god defined through spiritual practices, reading scripture, and prayer time?  is my relationship with god reciprocal or is it a one way street?  do i have a relationship or a religion?

i’ve recently read martin buber’s book “i and thou” (i know it’s supposed to be underlined but i can’t figure out how to on there so i put it in quotes).  let me begin with this disclaimer regarding the book: in no way shape or form do i completely understand it. it was an extremely confusing and difficult read for me.  i think if i read it over and over and over i still wouldn’t completely understand the complexity of it.  with that said, let me share some of the thoughts the book provoked in me.

i and thou challenged my thinking about god.  martin buber begins to express the difference between objectifying a person and having a relationship with a person.  he explains that in our world today we often categorize or classify people instead of truly encountering them in a relationship.  i believe we can find a similar theme in god’s intense dislike for idol worship.  god calls us into a relationship with himself.  the key word there is relationship.

i attempted to describe to myself what a relationship with a friend looks like.  i tried to put my finger on what are the things that i must say and do in order to have a relationship. i couldn’t quite figure it out.  but that’s exactly what i do with god.  i feel as though if i just involve myself with the right spiritual disciples, the right amount of prayer, if i could only use the right language and read the right books than i would be in a relationship with god.  but i’m learning that the categorizing of my relationship turns it into a religion, it objectifies my “relationship.”  instead of truly experiencing a relationship i find myself seeking the right knowledge and right practices.  my prayer is that i may be able to encounter god in relationship, that the practices i exercise and time i spend in prayer isn’t an end in itself.  rather, i pray that they will become a means to encountering god in relationship.

so now, go.

as graduation approaches, i’m forced to “plan” out my near future.  there’s something inside of me that’s excited to move on to a new chapter in my life.  there’s something inside of me, however, that’s terrified.  i’ve had 4 years of “higher christian education” that has equipped me for a career, for a new kind of lifestyle.  it’s strange moving into adulthood; i still feel like a kid in so many ways.  but i’m supposed to be ready, prepared, and confident in the training given to me through the academic circles of college.  so why don’t i?

moses’ call has become a regular reading to me, exodus 3 - 4.  i always started reading from chatper 3 verse 10, “so now, go. i am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the israelites out of egypt.”  and i proceed to read moses’ doubts in god’s plan.  he asks god 3 questions: “who am i?” (v. 3:11), ”who am i supposed to say sent me?” (v. 3:13), and “what if no one listens?” (v. 4:1).  after god answers them moses makes 2 statements: “i’m not eloquent with words,” (v. 4:10) and “please send someone else to do it,” (v. 4:13).  after 4, well it’ll be 4 1/2 for me :),  years of college education i’m asking the same questions and making the same statements. 

however, about three weeks ago i was reading this passage over and over and over.  a new group of verses struck me, 3:7 - 9.  “the lord said, ‘i have indeed seen the misery of my PEOPLE in egypt.  i have heard THEM crying out because of their slave drivers, and i am concerned about THEIR suffering.  so i have come down to rescue THEM from the hand of the egyptians and to bring THEM up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey…and now the cry of the ISRAELITES has reached me, and i have seen the way the egyptians are oppressing THEM.”  then god says “so now, go. i am sending you…”

what does it mean for me to go?  will i ever feel completely prepared to go?  i realized those questions revolve around one object, me.  the conern with myself is silly.  for god’s concern is far greater than my questions.  god’s concern is for the suffering and oppressed people of this world, for those crying out to him.  when he refers to his people, relieving suffering, hearing cries, and rescuing god speaks of multiple people.  and that should also be my concern.  i pray that the world of me crumbles.  may my narrow vision of the world broaden.   may god become greater and i become less. 

smiles

i love to laugh.  i love being around people who make me laugh.  if you haven’t laughed today, do it.  right now.  think of anything funny, and laugh!!!!  i don’t know what it is about laughing, but life always seems that much better when i can laugh.  there’s something about laughing that draws me in. 

we have scripture that records part of the life of jesus.  i wonder what made him laugh.  i know it’s pretty insignificant, but i just wonder if jesus ever had moments that he couldn’t stop laughing.  i wonder which one of the 12 disciples was the comdeian in the group.  laughing is part of being human right?  so i’m sure jesus laughed.  he had to have had those uncontrollable laughing moments.

 yeah, this is probably a weird thought whatever.  i like laughing ahahaha

4 questions

do you think god is great?

do you think god’s way of living is best?

do you want to be in a love relationship with god?

do you want god’s power to change you and use you to change others?

it’s so easy to read these questions and answer yes, yes, yes, and yes.  but for me it’s easier said than lived.  it has become so much easier for me to sit in someone’s home, to sit in class, or on the phone and talk to friends about how much i want god’s holy spirit to enter my life and do radical things.  it’s become so simple to me, to talk and talk and talk about and answer these 4 questions than it has been to live them out in my life.  it’s easy for me to sit in my room and think about what kind of legacy i want to leave behind after my physical body passes.  it’s much more difficult for me to want to be made uncomfortable and move beyond talk and into action.

my desire, my deepest passion is that holy spirit may flood and overwhelm me to the point that i can not just simply answer “yes” but live out that “yes.”  my prayer is that god will never allow me to be comfortable, that the holy spirit will always challenge me to follow jesus to places of darkness that need his light.   i want to discuss and talk less, and i want to live more.  i want the yes to be lived not spoken.  

$10

at my college you’re student i.d. is as important as breathing.  i’m not kidding, you have to have it in order to be fed.  if you don’t have it when entering the cafeteria they don’t let you in.  well, long story short….actually it’s a short story….i lost my studnet i.d.  in order to replace my lost i.d. i have to purchase a new one for the low, fair price of $10 (side note: i’ve bought probably about 8 in my college career).  i was really mad that i had to spend $10 on a new i.d.  but a man’s got to eat right?

well i go to the only atm on campus.  the thing charges me $2 to make a transaction since my bank is in california, also irritating.  anyway, i go to use the atm. it isn’t working.  frustrating!!!!!!  all i want to do is eat lunch.  where do i get $10 to buy a new i.d. now?  well, i was on the phone with my friernd liz while the atm was busy being broken.  i asked her if i could borrow $10.  she agreed.

does anyone hate borrowing money as much as me?  i don’t know why it bugs me.  i was going to pay her back.  i had the money, but i felt like i was taking a handout.  i hate asking for help with homework, finances, or anything.  i don’t like asking questions in class.  i just hate it. 

well i reluctantly go over to her apartment to borrow the $10.  she’s so happy and willing to give me the money.  i made it a specific point to tell her that i was giong to pay her back and that i had the money.  it was just the dumb broken atm’s fault that i had to ask for money.  afterall, i wouldn’t want anyone to think that i just needed to borrow money because i didn’t have it.  anyway, i walk on over to the bookstore/security office to have another i.d. made so i can eat the meal that i’m already paying for.  i tell the man i need a new i.d.  he doesn’t charge me!!!  what?!?!?!  i went to all the trouble, humbling myself to ask for a measly $10 from my friend, and i didn’t need it. 

it was in that moment that god spoke to me.  why did you have to humble yourself to ask for $10?  did you really think that asking was so below you that you became embarassed?  how come you’re so willing to lend $10 but so nervous to recieve it? 

i know it’s such a simple story.  but man god spoke to me through it.  i was so worried about the $10, which seems like an enormous amount of money as a college student.  i got my i.d. though, for free.  god provides, even in the little ways.  i was also reminded of who i am in relation to him.  i’m the lowly sinner, always will be.  i’m always going to be asking god for grace, for “$10,” because i’m imperfect.  but i should never think that i’m above asking for help, even if it’s just for $10.

picasso

have you ever seen a picasso painting?  i always see something different when i’m looking at a picasso painting.  sometimes i look at the painting and am in awe of its artistic expression and beauty.  sometimes i look at the painting and see busyness and chaos.  sometimes i see calmness and serenity.  other times i’ll see bold, loud noises.  sometimes i see passion and depth.  still at times i’ll see the intricacy and creativity.  then there are times when i just look at his work blankly, with no expression.  these emotions are usually stirred from one or two details of the entire painting that i concentrate on staring at.   it’s so easy for me to hone in onto one detail and walk away from the painting with a single emotion, not recognizing just how unique, creative, and outstanding the ENTIRE painting is.

sometimes i see life like i see a picasso painting.  sometimes i feel joy and see beauty all around me.  other times i feel sad and lonely.  sometimes life feels like it’s going 100 miles per hour.  sometimes i feel like it’s creeping along like a snail.  sometimes i feel as though life is chaotic and i have no control over it.  sometimes i feel like i have too much control.  in a similar way that i only see one or two details of a painting, it can be extremely easy for me to look at only a piece or small porition of time in my life.  sometimes all i see is my life.   sometimes i need to step back.  look at life as a whole and appreciate the beauty of not just my life, but the lives of those around me, my friends, family, aquaintances, etc.  stepping back allows me to see the dynamic beauty and intricacies of god’s paint brush through his creation.

room sitting

why’s it so much easier to verbalize faith than live it?  recently i’ve been struck with the difficulty of learning what it means to have a living faith.  i was given some insight through a sermon i heard today regarding the holy spirit.  the speaker was reading out of john 14.  the passage he was reading was jesus describing the holy spirit to the disciples.  in verse 17 jesus states that the holy spirit will be “in you (the believer).”  the speaker asked why it was so easy for us to declare that the holy spirit lives IN christians.  what an odd concept.  there is a divine being that exists IN, meaning literally inside of, christians.  is that conept real to me?  it’s so easy to say.  but do i really live my life convicted to the extent that my behavior is changed due to the fact that i believe that the divine holy spirit lives in me?  and if not, what would it look like if i did?  the speaker made an encouraging crticism of the early believers.  he reassured the audience/me that the early church didn’t have a clue what it meant to be filled with the holy spirit.  their theology of the trinity was far inferior to ours.  they simply sat in a room waiting for the holy spirit to show up. 

i don’t know if i room sit enough.  i wonder if my faith would become more real to me if i room sat more.  what would happen if i spent countless time, with fellow believers, praying and meditating for the holy spirit to show up and work.  i do not mean to say that we should all go sit in a room with each other praying, thinking, and looking at each other from across a table and never act.  but maybe we don’t room sit enough?  maybe we find ourselves room sitting alone when we should be sitting with other people?

i have these thoughts because my friend chris dunham thought it’d be cool to reccommend that i listen to a sermon series that would make me think too much.  after one sermon i’ve deeply deeply began to desire for the supernatural to become a reality in my life.  i really want the holy spirit, the father, and the son to become so real in my life that i cannot help but be changed.  and maybe that reality all begins with some room sitting with fellow believers.  maybe not. but maybe.

it’s too late for me to be writing.  this probably makes no sense ahahaha.  whatever.  it’s my blog i can write whatever i want.  it’s one of the only times i can just say whatever i want without criticism.  remember, you don’t HAVE to read it :).

cloud things

what do you see?

on my way to a soccer game this past weekend a teammate and i began to point out to each other the different objects/images we saw in the sky from various cloud formations. 

it was strange how we could both look at one cloud and see two different objects.  i looked at a particular cloud and saw a sailboat.  he looked at that same cloud and saw a man.  we sat and argued trying to convince the other that what we saw was more ”accurate,” as if clouds are supposed to look one way or another.  we finally got to a point where it didn’t matter what he saw or what i saw.  it was fun just describing and sharing what our imaginations’ were seeing in the cloud.    

reminded me of what it feels like to be a kid again.  when such simple pleasures were all i needed to keep my happy for an afternoon.  since that day i’ve shot an occassional glance up at the clouds.  every once in a while i see something that makes me chuckle.  i hope i never stop looking up at the clouds.  i hope my imagination never keeps me from saying sailboats, birds, unicorns, frogs, and snails by means of a cloud.  i hope i never get so old that clouds don’t make me smile. 

 p.s. i saw a dragon today.